You Deserve, Better?

Ben —  November 25, 2013 — Leave a comment

A time in my life that I don’t care to revisit, is the time when I remember how much I hate the way I treated you.

Specifically the time during your marriage.

Prior to me getting married, and while you were married, there as a season of your life when going through what you were going through is not even something I can even imagine. In fact, I am ashamed of my thoughts of judgement when you decided to go down the point of no return. The decision to end your marriage devastated me and all that I believed to be true.

My heart was hard, and I can’t even imagine the pain it caused to know that me, as close as I am, couldn’t even feel like I was by your side through this most devastating season of your life.

I should have loved you more.

Another time in my life that I don’t care to revisit, is when all of the accusations came forward. I clearly and achingly remember you telling me the truth when I asked, at a time when I feel like I much would have preferred a lie.

As crazy as that sounds, it’s true.

My heart grew even more hard, and it became more difficult to show love when you needed it the most.

I was angry, and I was pissed off. At everybody involved, but more at you. You broke my heart in a way I couldn’t even spell out, so instead I just distanced myself.

I didn’t know God’s love and grace, and I didn’t show God’s love and grace.

I should have loved you more.

Since then I’ve learned a lot, I’ve experienced a lot. Now when I’m faced with similar situations, I choose to show love more than I normally would have in the past.

But I can’t take back my words, actions, thoughts, and feelings from then.

I’ve learned that I am not one to judge, and that only He can so I should just leave it between you and Him. What I can concentrate on, is learning from my mistakes and extending the type of love and grace God showed us. I might fall short, but the least I can do is try, and that’s what you deserve.

Not judgement
Not hate
No stink-eye
No gossip

Just the kind of grace and unconditional love God’s given us, that although I can’t extend exactly how He has…

…I can try, I should try.

I am so, so sorry.

You deserve much better.

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