I’ve been working on this post for the past few weeks – written, re-written, deleted, stopped, started, all of the above. For some reason I’ve felt like it had to be up-beat and positive. But for me, it just has to be honest. I am so excited to let you all know we have finally finished our home study and have a signed, sealed and delivered OFFICIAL home study. I might frame the cover letter just because it is REALLY good. We worked hard for it and I’m so glad it’s done.
Now we are on to putting together the dossier.
We had a phone call with our social worker right after we finished our home study and even during the phone call I felt defeated. Defeated is the only word I can find when trying to describe the current feeling after completing our home study. It feels like we just climbed over a huge mountain, made it to the other side and now we are climbing one even larger, filled with even more paperwork.
It may seem weird to most, but I pride myself in the love I have for doing paperwork. It comes easy to me. I don’t know how or why I was gifted for such things, but I was.
I love a well formulated Excel sheet, then turned Google Doc, then color coded and printed for all to see. So you’d think this next step of putting together a dossier would be right up my alley. But when I put together a list of things to do, to bring home my child, it feels different. I’ve often times deleted the entire spreadsheet because I’m annoyed, or just can’t wrap my head around what is required or what is being asked of on these forms. The feeling of defeat is also not because of our agency, in fact it’s the opposite. We have an incredible agency who will answer our same question about 5 times, in 5 different ways and always with a happy heart.
I just want him.
I just want to have him in our family
To call him a Nunes and introduce him to the crazy love within our household.
So, defeat – albeit temporary, is the feeling inside. I don’t think we are the only adoptive parents to feel this way and I doubt we’ll be the last.
Our circle of friends are incredible to ask us often how the adoption is coming along and what’s next. I love this question because I know they care about our journey and so many of you are invested. There are times I fear people will ask us how we are doing in the process or how we are feeling about the wait. Because if you asked me in person, I would be completely honest with you.
Also a gift of mine.
I would tell you I pray for a child I don’t even know. I pray for his parents. I pray for our biological children that will soon have a younger sibling. I pray for our marriage as we change what is current life. I can often times change my way of thinking pretty quickly and be positive and see the shiny side of things rather than the gloom, but if I’m being completely honest I’m having a hard time right now. The tasks and the fees associated with this are large. It is not for the weak hearted. The call to adopt is a huge call, and anyone who has been called to make an orphan their child is my hero. We have not yet completed our task but I am determined to bring our child home.
So I’ll sign where you want me to and take any test you ask. I’ll move forward in the promise You will bring our child to us.