First Response

Ben —  February 11, 2013 — Leave a comment

Have you ever received an email or text where you just get the feeling of, “did they just say that?”

Every so often my first response is a draft filled with hate. Reckless, uncensored, unadulterated hate. So much hate that when I go to proofread it, I feel absolutely disgusted that I wrote it. I’ll admit too, it feels good. In fact, if you were to read said hate responses, you would probably hide yo kids, and hide yo wife. I’ll sit there, and bask in my evilness, feeling good that I was able to come back with something witty that could possibly shred the intellect of even the smartest of offenders.

It’s really that scary.

Before replying to an email, one thing I make sure I do is instead of hitting “reply” I actually hit the “fwd” button so as to not make a mistake and hit send. This ensures that the guilty party of the original email does not become a recipient of my hate email should I accidentally hit send. If it’s a text, there’s no real full proof way to ensure that I won’t accidentally send a response. I’m a risk-taker like that… but when I’m done, I hit “discard” or “delete all” just to make sure.

I justify this action as a way of talking or writing my thoughts through with God. Like it holds some sort of therapeutic or spiritual value, but when the dust settles and I’ve had a chance to take a breath, I think “is this OK? Or is this me just throwing a tantrum?” In my mind, God’s just giving me that “seriously…” look. You know the one.

In reality, it’s really, really bad. It’s sin, and it’s my sin. It’s not allowing God to protect my heart and mind, but allowing sin to overcome my thoughts, even if for that brief moment. Imagine should I ever accidentally hit “send” one day…

oh, the horror.

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